I miss you…
I don’t know if you still view my tumblr from time to time, but I hope that you’re doing well. It’s been a while since I gave you my URL…
I still remember when we went to last year’s J-Pop Summit. I don’t know if I told you this, but it really meant a lot to me that you went out of your way to drive me all the way to SF and show me something I had never seen before; an anime community that extended beyond Fanime. I knew that there were more festivals and cons outside of SJ, but this was the first anime event I had attended outside of Fanime, and it really meant a lot that I got to enjoy it with someone special. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, and I was touched by it.
But I wonder… if I hadn’t went with you to JPop Summit that year, would those feelings have been as strong as they were? Or would they have died off more quickly?
All I can remember was that I was trying not to let you see how I felt about you, because you had made it clear to me that you were not ready for a relationship and that you didn’t know what you wanted at the time, so you had to be careful about misconstruing anything as romantic. It was hard for me, because by then, the feelings had already been created before anything had happened. I tried to stop talking to you for a while, because I thought if I avoided you enough, the feelings would go away and I could move on.
But they didn’t… and I felt that if I had told you about it, not only would you have been disappointed in me, but you may have stopped talking to me like everyone else does.
I waited until it was too late to tell you how I really felt. I waited until you had already moved on to someone else. I was so afraid of reliving my past that I couldn’t trust myself enough to be with someone else without wondering if they would make me feel the way he made me felt. Sad to say, I was wrong and I really fucked up with this one. I deserved it for not being honest at the very beginning.
I don’t know what to say at this point. I don’t know what to do anymore… I just can’t see myself falling in love anymore. I’m just done with people walking away from me as soon as someone better comes in their life. I’m just done with letting the wrong people in my life.
I’m tired of being number 2.